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Joke gallery

ideologyhunter said:
"Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus?" has an entirely different meaning when asked by the warden in a Mexican prison.
Click to expand...
Even without that....

1) I'm male and completely straight. Jesus is male, I'm only interested in a relationship with a female.

2) I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone else.
 

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."​

Long

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
 
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she
goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his
tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok." She thinks
that is a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and
Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees
"Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear
comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back
with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" exclaims the woman.

Dennis Rodman replies, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say
'ADIDAS.'"
 
A sailor and a marine leave the head.
The sailor says to the marine; "ya know, in the navy they train us to wash our hands after we piss."
The marine replies; "in the marines they train us to not piss on our hands."
 
Teacher asked her class if anyone could tell a story with a moral in it. Little Johnny raised his hand, and teacher reluctantly agreed. So Johnny told the following story:

“The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that to pull you out."

So the chick ran off, got the SUV, tied a rope to the horse and pulled him out with ease.

A week later the horse and the chick were walking around the farm again when the chick fell into the quicksand.

"Hurry, go get the SUV!" the chick said to the horse.

"No need", said the horse as he straddled the quicksand. "Just grab hold of my dick and I'll pull you up!"

The chick grabbed hold of the dick and the horse pulled her right out.”

Teacher looked aghast at the story. What’s the moral of this?

Replied Johnny: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks.
 
Tonto takes the Lone Ranger on a buffalo hunt, but they haven't seen shit. The Lone Ranger says, "I thought you said you could find a herd no matter how far away it was."
Tonto says, "Tonto find out. Tonto put ear to ground." He gets off his horse, crouches low to the ground, and listens. After a long silence, he says, "Buffalo come."
Unconvinced, the Lone Ranger says, "How can you be sure?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
 
Jon's internist tells him he has, at best, about six months left. Jon is appalled. He says, "This is crazy. I gotta have a second opinion. There's gotta be some treatment for this."
The doctor says, "You can do that, but these x-rays don't lie. I shared these with my colleagues. They all agreed that six months is your best hope. But, may I give you some nonmedical advice?"
Jon says, "Anything, doctor."
"Okay then. You've heard of the Jehovah's Witnesses? I think you should look into them. Go to the weekend meeting. They have a midweek meeting, too, and a Family Worship Evening. You should do those. And you should get right into the evangelizing, and go door to door."
Jon says, "And will that improve my medical situation?"
The doctor says, "Of course not. But it will be the longest fucking six months you've ever lived."
 
The Parable of the 100 Nuns:

One Sunday morning, Mother Superior called her 100 nuns to the abbey courtyard.

"Girls," said Mother Superior, "there was a MAN in the abbey last night."

99 nuns said "Oh my!" and one nun said "tee hee hee!"

Mother Superior said, "And he went into one of the bedrooms!"

99 nuns said "Oh my!" and one nun said "tee hee hee!"

Mother Superior went on, "And we found a CONDOM on the bedroom floor!"

99 nuns said "Oh my!" and one nun said "tee hee hee!"

Mother Superior continued, "And it had a HOLE in the end of it!"

And 99 nuns said "tee hee hee!" and one nun said "Oh my!"
 
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
Have you heard what the wife said who divorced her husband because he was impotent?


"No hard feelings."

(I may have made this up, it came to me at work...)
 
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