Bundy Awards for God's Best Homicides

[ideologyhunter]

Best Homicide of Bible - This Bundy is uncontested; it goes to Genesis 7, the killing of everybody on earth except for 8 zealots headed by an alcoholic.
Best Homicide of Youth or Infant - The nominees are:
>Exodus 11, God kills all first born sons of Egyptians, after taking away Pharaoh's free will to manumit the Israelites
>II Sam 12, God kills David's baby because David was raw-dogging Bathsheba, and had her husband killed
>II Kings 2, God has two bears tear 42 kids to pieces for mocking Elisha
And the Bundy goes to... Exodus 11, because of its outstanding production values
Best Homicide of Guys That Were Trying to Honor God - and the nominess are:
> Lev. 10, burning of Aaron's boys, for presenting incense to the Lord without being asked to
> II Sam 6, Uzzah zapped to death for trying to keep Covenant Box from falling over
> I Kings 13 - God sends lion to kill prophet because the guy...ate and drank, after an older prophet said it was okay
And the Bundy goes to...II Sam 6, especially for Uzzah's ad-libbed dialogue -- "I was trying to keep it from falling over, you dipshit!"
Best Serial Homicide - (uncontested) The Bundy goes to... Numbers 16, the killing of the rebels who challenged Moses, starting with 3 families swallowed up by the earth, then the burning of 250 of their fan base, and finally the death by plague of 14,700 more people. Variety said: 'Socko serial with each chapter bringing new murders - God preps preem for max kicks in sticks!"
Best Supporting Actor in a Homicide- and the nominees are:
> Buddy the Lion in I Kings 13
> Lulu and Frida, the she-bears in II Kings 2
And the Bundy goes to... Lulu and Frida, because they actually tore the kids into pieces. Now that's method.
SPECIAL BUNDYS
Loeb & Leopold Bundy for Least Explicable Motive - (uncontested) The Bundy goes to... I Chron. 20, God kills 70,000 people by plague because David had a census taken of Israel. Sometimes God just fuckin' feels like it. It's God saying, Six seven, assholes.
Paula Deen Bundy for Menu-Related Causes - and the nominees are:
> Numbers 11 - The people bitch about eating nothing but manna, so God kills a bunch of them with a plague
> Numbers 16 - People who didn't read Numbers 11 complain some more about manna, so God kills a bunch of them with snakes
And the Bundy goes to... Numbers 16, because snakes are so cool.

For all murderers have sinned and fallen short of the homicides of GOD.
Permission granted for all Sunday school teachers to use The Bundy Awards materials in your classrooms.

 

[southernhybrid]

Is that what is meant by sinners in the hands of an angry god? My messed up father who suffered from bipolar disorder and PTSD loved to make us read all that OT shit while we shivered in fear, when he was in a bad mood. And, the preacher in what I refer to as my childhood hell fire and damnation church also loved reading all the worst things in the Bible, while not spending much time on the nicer stuff, like helping the poor and forgiving your enemies. Whatever happened to god is love? Apparently Bible god is a very mentally ill psychopath.

 

[Don2 (Don1 Revised)]

This doesn't count delegation of homicide. Is there a separate award for those?

 

[ideologyhunter]

This doesn't count delegation of homicide. Is there a separate award for those?

The Bundys celebrate two categories of homicide: a) from the hands of God or b) done by his animal friends. Thus, the massacre of the first born (Operation Epic Fury) is Bundy-worthy, but the book of Joshua is in the ho-hum realm of people killing people.
For delegation, there's always the FBI's most wanted list.

 

[Don2 (Don1 Revised)]

This doesn't count delegation of homicide. Is there a separate award for those?

The Bundys celebrate two categories of homicide: a) from the hands of God or b) done by his animal friends. Thus, the massacre of the first born (Operation Epic Fury) is Bundy-worthy, but the book of Joshua is in the ho-hum realm of people killing people.
For delegation, there's always the FBI's most wanted list.

Okay. So, just to be clear, if Yahweh ordered the murder by Israel of men, women, babies, cats and dogs of another kingdom, this wouldn't count. Also, if Yahweh and Beelzebub made a bet about Job being faithful and part of the bet was premised upon Beelzebub murdering Job's children, this wouldn't count either. Also, creating laws for humans to kill other humans like say for being gay or whatever, that wouldn't count.

I really do think some of these are worthy of some kind of award. I just don't know what the title would be.

P.S. Can you add a Sex in the Cities Award for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah?

 

[ideologyhunter]

Excellent suggestions! (I should clarify, I am not on the Bundy Board of Trustees.)

Okay. So, just to be clear, if Yahweh ordered the murder by Israel of men, women, babies, cats and dogs of another kingdom, this wouldn't count.

No, but there are at least two foundations that could honor that kind of achievement. There are the Millers, given out by the Stephen Miller Council for Excellence in Ethnic Cleansing. Those are given quadrennially, next up in '28.
For all cult murders, there are what were formerly called the Mansons -- now called the Squeakys.

Also, if Yahweh and Beelzebub made a bet about Job being faithful and part of the bet was premised upon Beelzebub murdering Job's children, this wouldn't count either.

I'll say probably not, as this homocide is based on getting some other incredibly evil entity to do your killing for you. I have heard rumors of a new award called the Bibi, which will honor this kind of killing arrangement. Don't know that it's up and running.

Also, creating laws for humans to kill other humans like say for being gay or whatever, that wouldn't count.

No idea, but here we're in a complex, somewhat over-prescribed field, as the ways to get yourself killed include picking up firewood on the Sabbath or sassing off your dad. I mean, the telecast could go on forever.

I really do think some of these are worthy of some kind of award. I just don't know what the title would be.

P.S. Can you add a Sex in the Cities Award for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah?

I like that idea. I have to wonder if Paula Deen will want this one for her Bundy category, as it involves quantities of salt. But I bet your suggestion made Jessica Parker's chin wart go all a-tingle.