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What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?
The prostitute will say, "You done yet?"
The mistress says, "Are you done already, sweetie?"
The wife says, "Peach. I'll paint the ceiling peach."
 
A producer of an off-Broadway show calls an out-of-work actor. He says, "One of my cast members just walked out on me. I need someone to fill in for him. I gotta tell you, it's a one-line part."
The actor says, "I don't care, I'll do it."
The producer says, "Great. You come on at the start of Act Two and say, 'Hark, I hear the cannon's roar.' I need you to start tonight."
The actor walks around his apartment saying, "Hark, I hear the cannon's roar. Hark, I hear the cannon's roar." He goes out to celebrate with his actor friends, drinks too much, and as a result gets to the theater late.
The stage door attendant says, "Who are you?" and the actor says, "I'm Hark, I hear the cannon's roar." The attendant says, "You're late. You better hurry and change."
The actor gets into costume and runs down to the makeup station. The makeup artist says, "Who are you?" and he says, "I'm Hark, I hear the cannon's roar."
She says, "Jesus, you go on in just a few minutes." She dabs on some makeup and pushes him into the wings. The backstage manager says, "Who are you?" and he says, "I'm Hark, I hear the cannon's roar." The manager says, "Well, guess what, the curtain's going up now -- you're on." He gives a push, and the actor walks on stage. There's a huge crashing noise behind him, and he says, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
 
This one's hacky, but it made me laugh.

Three wise men find the barn where Mary and Joseph are watching over their newborn. The first one enters and says, "We have come to see the babe." The second one enters and says, "We come with gifts."
As the third one enters, he hits his head on the door frame and hollers, "Jesus Christ!"
Mary says to Joseph, "Write that down. It's better than Eddie."
 
At the start of a church service the congregation is surprised to see a newcomer enter. He's a tall man in an ultra-thin suit done in shiny green fabric. His hair is done in bright orange spikes. At the end of the service, one of the attendants brings the collection plate up to the preacher in great excitement. Instead of starting the benediction, the preacher says, "We have just been gifted with four crisp new hundred dollar bills. Would the generous donor care to make herself or himself known?" The spiky-haired guy stands up. The preacher says, "We welcome you, sir. I'd like to ask you to choose a hymn, if you have a favorite."
Spiky hair says, "I gotta go with the deacon who met me at the door. He's a honey."
 
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An old man finds his wife dead and phones the funeral parlor to retrieve the body. The undertaker says, "And what is the address?"
The old man says, "We just moved here... it's..it's, uh, 245 Euca-...uh, Euca-...it's 245 Eucalyptus Street."
The undertaker says, "Please spell that for me."
Long pause. The old man says, "Listen, I'm gonna drag her down to Elm Street. Please pick her up there."
 
An old guy is driving down the interstate when a state patrolman pulls him over. The officer comes to the window and says, "Are you Stanley Wallace?"
The old guy says, "That's me."
The cop says, "Well, I got an APB on you. Did you know you left your wife at McDonalds at the rest stop, twenty miles back?"
The old guy swivels his head and looks around his car. Then he says, "Oh, Jesus, oh, sweet Jesus, oh, dear sweet Jesus."
The cop says, "Yeah, it's pretty scary, isn't it?"
The old guy says, "You're goddamn right it's scary. I thought I was going deaf!"
 
A pernickety wife visits her husband's business and chats up his new secretary. After a few minutes she pulls rank and says, "You know, miss, for a secretary you have a poor command of basic grammar. You keep confusing 'me' and 'I'."
The secretary says, "Really? Well, your husband is worse. He keeps confusing me with you."
 
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