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Two gambling buddies meet in a Vegas bar one morning. One says, "You look like you're actually sick. What happened?"
His friend says, "Yesterday was my worst cold streak ever. Where should I start? I made six football bets, and lost all of 'em. I made four different basketball bets, and again, a total loss. So I thought I'd bet on the horses, put in three bets, and all of my horses lost."
The first guy says, "Well, there's a hockey game tonight."
His friend scowls. "Hockey? I don't know shit about hockey!"

Attributed to Norm McDonald
 
A BMW salesman follows a wealthy old woman around the dealership. He doesn't want to crowd her, but he also doesn't want another salesman to get the commission. When she leans into the window of one of the premium display cars, he stands a discreet few feet away. Suddenly she cuts a vast fart -- it sounds like a box of bubble wrap being run over twice.
She looks around, red-faced, and sees him. She knows he knows, and he knows she knows he knows.
He says, "You're so right, madam. If you farted just from touching this beemer, you'll shit your britches when I tell you the price!!"
 
Witches Coven #95 has called for a convention in a far-off clearing. One old witch grabs her broom and takes to the air. Soon she sees her fellow witches passing her, all of them riding vacuum cleaners. "Christ on a crutch!" she grumbles. "Am I the only one who still drives stick?"
 
A nurse wakes a patient in the ICU. She says, "The doctor wants you to try walking a little."
She helps him up and they walk slowly down the corridor. He glances into one of the rooms and sees a man on a hospital bed fapping like a madman while a nurse stands by with a clipboard.
He says, "What the hell are they doing?"
His nurse says, "You shouldn't have seen that. But the man you just saw has obstructions in the veins down around his groin. If he doesn't ejaculate every morning at this time, he'd get a blood clot that would kill him." (It could happen.)
She walks him past another door. This time he sees a patient lying in bed while two nurses trade off blowing him. He says, "Okay, explain that to me."
The nurse says, "What, him? Same problem. Better insurance."
 
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A guy takes a nap under a beach umbrella. His legs are sticking out. Four days later he shows up at the doctor's office, with severe sunburn from his thighs down to his toes. He says, "Doc, you got to help me. I haven't slept a wink for three straight nights. I'm losing my mind."
The doctor says, "Well, a sunburn like that takes a long time to heal. Maybe weeks. Now, let me think."
He goes back to the dispensary and comes back with some pills. He says, "Take one of these every night at bedtime. It's 100 milligrams of Viagra."
The man says, "Viagra will cure my sunburn?"
The doctor says, "Of course not. It will keep the sheets off your legs."
 
A woman's going into labor. Her husband yells, "Honey, push harder!"
She screams, "That's easy for you to say. Piss off!!"
He says, "Honey, this isn't my fault. You've got to PUSH HARDER."
She screams, "It is too your fault! I hate you!!"
He puts his head out the window and says, "Be mad at me all you want, but it won't get the car out of this ditch. You've got to PUSH HARDER."
 
This guy is getting a tour of a latex factory (not Vandelay.)
The guide takes him past a machine that goes "Hisss-pop!" over and over. The guy says, "What's that noise?"
The guide says, "This machine is making baby bottle nipples. The hiss is the latex being inflated around the mold. The pop is a needle that puts a hole in the tip."
They go to another wing of the building and the guide says, "This machine is making condoms." As they stand there, the machine goes "Hiss, hiss, hiss, hiss, hiss-pop!" The guy says, "Wait a minute.." and the guide says, "I know what you're thinking. Yeah, the machine puts a little hole in the tip of every fifth condom."
The guy says, "Jesus!! Don't you lose sales on those things?"
The guide says, "We do, but it does wonders for our baby bottle division."
 
A man walks into a pub and announces " I have a .45 calibre pistol with 7 rounds in the magazine and 1 in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife"
A long pause.
The man besides him tells him " You will need more ammo".
 
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