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When I came out as gay in the army, my sarge said, "Immediate discharge!!"
Then he discharged me.
Then I discharged him.
Then he discharged me again. (Sigh) I was so much younger then.
 
A veteranarian calls on a farmer. He says, "So what's the problem with your cow?"
The farmer says, "Come look. This is one of my best milk cows, and she went cross-eyed overnight. She's walking into fence posts, she's falling down, and she may break a leg at this rate."
The vet looks at the cow and says, "She's cross-eyed, all right. I've seen this before. I think I can fix it." He goes to his car and comes back with a short piece of garden hose. He says to the farmer, "You stand by her head and tell me if her eyes uncross." He sticks one end of the hose in the cow's ass, takes a deep breath, and blows into the end of the hose. The cow's eyes bulge way out and straighten.
The farmer yells, "You fixed her!"
The vet says, "That usually works. That'll be $150 for my visit."
A week later the farmer goes out to the field and finds the cow has gone cross-eyed again. He says, "I'll be damned if I'm paying another $150."
He goes to the barn, cuts a length of garden hose, and spots his farmhand asleep on a hay bale. He kicks the man's foot and says, "Come on with me." They go out to the cow and the farmer says, "You hold her head and tell me if her eyes uncross."
He gets behind the cow, sticks the hose up her ass, and blows. The farmhand says, "They're still crossed."
He takes a deeper breath and blows. The farmhand says, "Still crossed."
The farmer says, "You're younger than me. Let's trade places. You come back here and blow." They switch places. As the farmer watches, his farmhand pulls the hose out, turns it around, and sticks it back in. The farmer says, "What did you do that for?"
The farmhand says, "Well, hell! You didn't expect me to put my mouth where yours has just been, did ya?"
 
A young gay guy decides to come out to his family. He's most worried about his grandma, so he decides he'll start with her. He finds her at the kitchen stove. He takes a deep breath and says, "Grandma, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."
She turns around and says, "So, you're gay, are you? This means you put men's things in your mouth??"
He blushes and says, "Grandma!!"
She waves a wooden spoon at him and says, "Do you?"
He says, "Yeah, I do."
She says, "DON'T YOU --" and whack! she smacks him on the forehead with the spoon -- "EVER CRITICIZE MY COOKIN' AGAIN!!"
 
A couple go to the Shanghai Lounge. They order the Chicken Surprise dinner for two. The waiter brings their dinner in a large lidded cast iron pot. The wife is reaching for it when the lid opens on its own. She sees a pair of beady little eyes staring at her, then the lid slams shut.
She says, "WTF!! Did you see that?"
The husband says, "No, what did I miss?"
She says, "Look in the pot!"
He reaches for the lid, but again it opens on it own, the beady little eyes stare at him, then the lid slams shut.
The husband calls for the waiter. He says, "Something is very wrong with our dinner."
The waiter says, "Excuse, please. What did you order?"
The husband says, "We ordered the Chicken Surprise."
The waiter says, "Okay, my fault, I fix. I brought you the Peking Duck."
 
A man tells his doctor, "I think my wife is going deaf, but she's really touchy about the subject. She won't come to see you. How can I find out for sure?"
The doctor says, "When she's not looking at you, ask her a question in your normal speaking voice. If she doesn't answer you, take a step closer and ask again. Do this until she answers you. It will give us a baseline on how much hearing she's lost."
The man goes home and finds his wife bent over the stove. He stands in the kitchen doorway and says, "So what's for dinner?"
She says nothing, so he steps closer and says, "So what's for dinner?"
Still nothing, so he gets to the middle of the room and says, "So what's for dinner?"
She whirls around and says, "For the third time, I made a fucking meatloaf!"
 
Two college students meet outside the financial aid office. He says, "So what are you up to?"
She says, "I'm going to sell blood. They pay $25 a pint."
He laughs and says, "I'm headed for the sperm bank. They pay about $100 for a teaspoon!"
He spots her on campus a few days later and says, "Where are you headed?"
She shakes her head and tries to get past him. He says, "Where are you going in such a hurry?"
She tilts her head back a bit and mutters, "Smerm mank."
 
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Pour me something cheap."
The barkeep says, "Okay, but what's the deal?"
The guy says, "I was just in the music store down the block and bought an accordion. It set me back four grand." Suddenly the blood leaves his face. He says, "Omigod, my car is outside with the doors unlocked and the windows down!" He rushes outside. He comes back in a minute later, looking troubled.
The barkeep says, "Do you still have your accordion?"
The guy says, "No....I have two accordions."
 
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